


something to bring me back home

by louisisgayhey



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Family Issues, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:35:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23942455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louisisgayhey/pseuds/louisisgayhey
Summary: Patrick knows about shame. He knows about guilt and fear. He knows them too well, maybe, and he spends every day wishing he didn’t. He can try to force them down all he wants, but nothing can stay buried for long when the object, the person, so feared is attached to his hip.
Relationships: Patrick Kane/Jonathan Toews
Comments: 13
Kudos: 34





	1. January 1, 2010

**Author's Note:**

> this fic deals with issues surrounding internalized homophobia, self-denial, and other similar topics. there will be brief mentions/suggestions of homophobic family, friends, opponents, etc. so please read with caution if any of those things make you uncomfortable! 
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!!
> 
> title is from 'something about you' by sophie meiers

New Year's Eve doesn't top the list of Patrick's favorite holidays. Halloween takes the cake for that one, much to the shock of everyone who learns that fact. A holiday where you’re drunk out of your goddamn mind in the thick heat of summer, barely able to hear other wasted people speak over the blasting of Top 40 Country. These are not reasons for a holiday to be a favorite. He loves America, but 4th of July doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near the top. Obviously, he'd like to be drunk out of his goddamn mind, but with classic Halloween movie soundtracks blaring while wearing a costume. Obviously.

While he didn't have high hopes for this New Year, he still felt a little let down after leaving the bar. He barely made it past midnight before heading back home, something in him not quite feeling right. He's not sure what exactly he had been expecting to happen. It was the same group of guys he'd spent a handful of holidays with, both on the road and at home, the only difference being that the holiday at hand was New Years this time. The yelling and joking and drinking a little too much were all routine now. The celebration was fine, fun even. 

Yet that dense, nagging feeling won't leave Patrick's gut long after arriving home and busying himself on his laptop. The night left him yearning for _something._ Jonny keeps popping into Pat's head before he shoves it down every time. He's not gonna let himself think about that. He never does.

Hard to do that though when the man himself appears at your door, not even 20 minutes later.

Jonny didn't let Patrick get a word in before bluntly declaring, "A kiss."

He was breathing a little heavy, clearly having made his way quickly from the bar to Patrick's apartment a few blocks south. Patrick quirked an eyebrow, prompting Jonny to continue, "A New Years Kiss. You didn't get one." He waits a beat, lowering his voice ever so slightly before adding on, "Or I don't think you did, at least."

Oh. 

_Oh_.

The realization washes over Patrick, and he has to pause in an attempt to hold himself together. He can do this. It's fine. _He's_ fine. A kiss is just that, a kiss. It doesn't mean that he's been _wanting_ this, it doesn't mean anything. There's no reason it would. Patrick faintly shakes his head and matches Jonny's soft tone, "No, I didn't." 

Jonny stares at him for what feels like minutes with no distinct emotion gracing his face. The silence hangs, thick and heavy. Jonny clears his throat. "You should have one. Bad luck or something if you don't."

Patrick swallows, his heart hammering in his chest, his stomach flipping. "Or something?"

"That's what I've heard," Jonny confirms with a hint of a smile, and suddenly the tension between them has dissipated.

Patrick lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He's pretty sure he's gonna throw up, only partly due to nausea sinking in as the alcohol wears off. He's conflicted about whether he'd rather be drunk for this moment, teetering between wanting to forget or remember what's coming. Unsure if he wants to have an excuse for his actions. An excuse to give Jonny or an excuse to give himself, he's not sure.

He knows he'll hate himself tomorrow, and the day after that, but he's seemingly lost all control of his words. "So who's gonna give me this kiss? Gotta make sure I score 30."

"Well, I didn't get a New Years' kiss either." Jonny takes a step into the apartment, past Patrick. "And it'd be really unfair if you were the only one to get to 30."

Patrick shuts the door behind them and turns to face Jonny directly, taking a step closer. "Always so competitive."

Jonny huffs out a soft laugh. "Yeah?" He places his hand on Patrick's cheek. "Only doing this so I can get more points than you."

Patrick hums in response, his eyes glancing down to Jonny's lips. "We'll see."

His lips are on Jonny's, unsure of who went in first. Jonny backs Patrick up against the wall, caging him in and running his tongue over Patricks bottom lip. Patrick parts his lips, his tongue joining Jonny's. 

The kiss escalates quickly with Jonny's hands falling to Patrick's ass, placing his thigh between Patrick's legs and grinding in somewhat hesitantly. Jonny is rarely hesitant about anything, always so self-assured, and Patrick's not sure how he feels about it. At least they're both in the same boat, he guesses.

He wraps his arms up around Jonny's neck in an attempt to convey that _this is good, he wants this._ That thought, the realization, has shame rising to the surface. Patrick shoves it down the best he can, letting it sit at the bottom of his stomach rather than the top of his throat. 

He's snapped out of his thoughts when Jonny pulls back an inch, their noses still touching. "You okay?"

Pat tries to catch his breath. "Yeah, this is um... This is good. I'm good." 

Jonny's face turns from concern to relief. "Oh. Cool. Me too." He pauses. "I mean- I'm good. Too." A content smile takes over his face before he's leaning back in. 

Patrick didn't have as good of a grasp on the shame as he thought. Fear and guilt overpower him, and he's pushing Jonny away before he realizes what he's doing. Hurt and confusion flash over Jonny's face before his mouth straightens out, devoid of any emotion that could give him away.

"Um I- I think that's enough luck for the whole season," Patrick laughs out nervously. He puts his hands in his pockets and quickly pulls them out again, uncertain about what to do while he waits for a response.

Jonny's the image of cool and collected. "Yeah. Guess we'll find out soon enough." 

The silence overtakes them again, the weight it carries settling back in, unwelcome. 

"Yeah, uh. I guess so." Patrick raises his hand, vaguely gesturing towards the door. "Long night and everything."

"Right."

Patrick doesn't know where to look. The floor is a much safer bet, afraid of what he'll see if he looks to Jonny. 

He sees Jonny's feet cross the foyer towards the door, not looking back at Patrick before mumbling a quick goodnight and stepping out. He doesn't even slam the door, instead, shutting it softly behind him, and Patrick hates him for it.

Patrick wishes he could be surprised about his inability to give in to what he wants, to allow himself to feel taken care of and enjoy himself, to enjoy _Jonny._ He's too well acquainted with denial to act as if it's something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first story i've ever written (!!!) so pls comment and let me know what you think :)


	2. February 2008

Patrick first suspected Jonny was gay their rookie year. His intrigue in Jonny's eccentric behavior ultimately became bewilderment as the months passed. Patrick quickly picked up on his subconscious habits, his likes, and dislikes, how he portrayed himself in the locker room and who he allowed himself to be in the refuge of their hotel room. Patrick could see the walls come down when he crossed that threshold — the tension in his demeanor easing, the pressure that seemed to be weighing him down lessening just slightly. 

While it seemed Jonny's guard was lowered, a bit of it always lurked, never entirely withdrawing. Rarely did Patrick open the door without a laptop being slammed shut or a phone call promptly ending. Jonny concealed emotion extraordinarily well- appearing unphased by most things— but he never learned to disguise the look of guilt that washed over him every time Patrick caught him abruptly pocketing his phone or switching browsers. The fleeting dread that appeared in his eyes without fail every time one of the guys asked why he never picked up on the road. 

Sure, Patrick loved to tease Jonny just as much as the next guy, but he knew where to draw the line. Personal business is off-limits, and Jonny's relentless apprehension appeared to be something he intended to keep to himself. Patrick understood. So, he never brought up Jonny's questionable behavior.

Well, sober Patrick didn't bring it up, at least. They were out celebrating a win that made an embarrassment out of the Kings and the city of Los Angeles at large. Patrick had never been known to be someone capable of realizing when too much is too much— a theme that followed him through many aspects of his life, a major one being his drinking habits. He downed drink after drink, shot after shot, before calling it a night and gracelessly following Jonny back to their room. 

Patrick flopped down on his bed the second it was within reach, staring at Jonny rummaging through his duffel in the far corner. He was facing the wall, and Patrick allowed himself to look, just this once. It was totally normal to appreciate a nice ass, man, or woman. He wondered what Jonny looked like without clothes, in a setting outside of a locker or hotel room, a situation where he was— fuck, why doesn't Jonny ever hook up? Patrick's mind had no time to catch up with his mouth before he was voicing his curiosity, "Why don't you hook up?"

Jonny froze briefly, glancing back at Patrick, who was still watching him from the bed with hooded eyes, before turning back to his duffel. "Why don't you?" 

Patrick had, fortunately, rehearsed this conversation many times, both with others as well as with himself. "I have a girlfriend. Emily. You've met her." 

Jonny let out a small huff, finally pulling out the Dopp kit he had been searching for. He stood up and walked towards the bathroom, pausing in front of Patrick's bed. "Never really took you as the monogamous type, Kaner. Come up with a better excuse." He didn't wait for a response, continuing to the bathroom and shutting the door with more force than usual. 

No one had ever questioned Patrick's reasoning for not hooking up, and his inebriated brain had a hard time catching up, thankful for the brief conversation interlude while Jonny got ready for bed. In Patrick's opinion, being in a relationship was a great excuse, if not the best excuse. But it's— it wasn't even— it wasn't an  _ excuse _ . It was a reason. An explanation. A  _ perfectly good one _ , thanks. Even though being unfaithful is considered the norm within the NHL, it didn't mean he had to follow suit. He was just— a good boyfriend, is all. 

Patrick heard the sink turn off and prepared himself to lay down the truth and shut Jonny up. But— Jonny didn't even glance his way. He passed Patrick's bed towards his own, throwing his discarded clothes in the general direction of his duffle. He was left wearing only a pair of boxers and wow, yeah, asses are  _ so _ nice. Again, man or woman. Patrick likes women. Jonny was just, you know,  _ right there  _ and— what was he supposed to say again? "You're just jealous that I'm a good boyfriend." And uh— Patrick didn't think that's what he meant to say but. It was already said, so.

Jonny turned his head towards Patrick, scrunching his eyebrows, and narrowing his eyes. "That doesn't even make sense, Pat. Just go to bed and think of a better answer once you're sober." He pulled back his covers and hopped in bed, reaching over to switch off the lamp and settling in.

And, well, Patrick didn't know how to tell Jonny that he drinks, so he doesn't have to think about the real answer. That Jonny would never be given the real answer, sober or not, because Patrick couldn't even give himself an honest answer. He had a feeling Jonny already knew the answer, though. 

They're similar in more ways than one, and usually, Patrick was open to that idea, welcomed it even. Welcomed the idea of not being so alone, not having to carry the weight of the franchise's future all on his own. They were becoming more intertwined each day, and Patrick rarely found an issue with that— but this was one of the few areas he wished that he was different than Jonny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the next chapter written BUT i need to polish it up (aka it's Bad)- it should be posted within the next couple of days!
> 
> (thanks so much for all of the kind comments on the last chapter!!!!!)


End file.
